Friendship boundaries: How to tell a guest their dogs aren't invited

The situation

We’ve all been there: you love your bestie, but the logistics of their visit are lowkey ruining your life. A reader recently wrote into advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith explaining that when their friend comes to town, they bring their spouse and two dogs—dogs that famously do not vibe with the host's own pet.

To make matters worse, the guest dogs have had 'accidents' inside the house. The host has been playing it cool, cleaning up the mess and pretending everything is fine to keep the peace. But real talk? The host is dreading the next visit, even though they still want to see their friend.

The reality check

According to Gordon-Smith, you’re stuck in a classic trap: you can have the appearance of a chill, frictionless visit, or you can actually change the outcome. You can’t have both. By acting like the chaos is NBD, you’re essentially telling your friend that everything is fine. You can’t expect them to read your mind and suddenly realize that their pets are stressing you out.

How to handle it

If you want things to change, you have to be honest. Skip the white lies—like saying your dog is 'sick'—because your friend will just try to reschedule for a time when that’s not an issue. Instead, try a direct but kind approach. Gordon-Smith suggests saying something like: “Would love to have you stay! I’m sorry to ask, but could this visit be without the dogs? Ours has been stressed out by having other animals in the house.”

It’s a simple boundary. If the friendship is strong, they’ll respect it. If you’re truly worried about them staying elsewhere, you can suggest they leave the pups at a local pet hotel so they can still visit without turning your home into a kennel.

Why it matters

Your home is your safe haven, and you shouldn't feel like you’re walking on eggshells in your own space. Friendship is about showing up for people, but it’s a two-way street—and your friends should ideally be aware of the effort you’re putting in to accommodate them. Don’t let resentment build up; setting a boundary is actually the best way to keep the friendship healthy.